Shelter in a Storm

Last Sunday a church member got up and talked about Matthew 7:24-26. It’s a well-known verse especially if you’ve grown up in a church-going home. 

That morning though I heard it spoken of in a way I hadn’t before or a way I didn’t remember I had. 

“And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.” (vs 25)

There are many literary devices you can pull out of this one verse but the thought process that was revealed on Sunday was that Jesus (who spoke these words originally) never said what that house being built had to look like. He didn’t mention what structure, form, size, color, etc of either houses; the one built on sand and the one built on rock. It was always just assumed, by me and probably others, that the house built on rock was beautiful and grand and the one built on sand was a shack. 

The Lord didn’t specify that though. What he focused on was “it had been founded on the rock”. 

We are not meant to be carpenters of our life and know how to build a palacios and fully decorated home on our own (figuratively). We are meant to “build” only with the help of the Word (the word is the living God) and that is how the house of our life will be strong and not be knocked down. 

“The Lord is my rock and a strong foundation…”

The scripture also doesn’t say that we may lose some “shingles” or need new “siding” or add on to the “house” throughout our life. But only that as our “house” is built, it MUST be on the strong foundation of the Lord. 

How does the relate to every day living? How does our “house” not fall down through suffering in a storm? 

Only by the foundation it is built upon. People around the world live differently. Some live in tents, some skyscrapers, mansions, or suburbs. No matter where though, they have to have some foundation to hold their house to the ground. 

When we were building our home here in TN, the builder had put up three sides of our roof but no sheeting around the house. Overnight when a strong wind storm came through the valley, it picked up our house frame and smashed it down. The foundation was concrete and did not move but we had to start over and rebuild the rest of the house. 

Our lives are like that with pain and suffering. The Lord may need to knock most of us down to rebuild. He may need to have the winds of faith storm through and shake us. He may just send a constant dripping of rain that turns into a flood but if our foundation is set on the “rock” than we shall not be moved. 

 Verse 27 promises the rains will come and the floods will wash away the house built on sand. 

May you remember that you do not have to come to the Lord with your plans ready for a house. He just wants you to come and build on his foundation and you will find shelter in any storm.

James 3-4

I wrote a long post this past summer (July 9th: Jax’s birthday) that turned into a complaining monologue about other people and my judgments of them. Usually releasing thoughts feels good but I felt convicted and stupid in my curses. 

It's easy to revert back to those feelings, which when I look at them under a microscope equals jealousy. I am jealous that their children are still living. I am jealous that they have the ability to throw birthday parties, yell at their kids, complain about poopy diapers, and hold their child. 

It's hard to outwardly acknowledge it.

My tongue 'curses the people who are the likeness of God from the same mouth I praise God' (James 3:9).

I can come across as calm and at peace, most of the time, but the dragon of anger and jealousy does rear its head. Often, we think of jealousy towards materialistic matters. But jealousy can live in our hearts for everything. It can lead to other emotions and slowly or quickly eat away at our spirit and joy in the Lord. 

I have a healthy baby girl now and still get jealous. I am jealous of friends who have their family living close. I am jealous of women who can spout out scripture whenever. It’s what I do with that jealousy that is key. I can either hold on to it and let it fester and let the devil really get ahold of me or I can remember that ‘God is jealous for me’. Instead of me being jealous or letting it take hold of me, it’s important I dive into scripture (even if I can’t memorize it to save my life) and surround myself with God’s promises.

"God...gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). 

When I feel these emotions, kicking my self proverbially does some good but also returning to the Lord and letting his Grace encompass me is the best 'medicine'. I yearn to be a "doer" and not a "judge" as James writes. I am not perfect and as these hard days come and go, it can be hard to remain in the joy of what I do have; promises and faith. 

His mercies are new each day, each minute, each second for me and by releasing the jealousy that creeps (cause it still does) to God, I give the power to Him to protect my heart and mind. I am not trying to fix myself or others around me. Sure, I may get frustrated but again going to God and revealing my sin and not the sin of others (or what sin I put on them) is how to continue to live with that joy He gives me continuously.

Again I remember that I do have a son, now in heaven, where others would love to have that opportunity. I will see him again; which time is relative. And I was able to have another child which I know God has miraculously given to us. All these blessings mightily outweigh the rest and keep me humble in His presence.

Superman

I've always loved movies. I worked in a movie theatre during college and it's always been a place for me to be able to go and relax and escape for a few hours. Plus, who doesn't love hot popcorn and large amounts of sugary liquid?! 

I've also always loved Superman. I used to collect Superman trinkets and get into arguments with my friends who said Batman was the better superhero (whatevs...). 

I finally saw the new Justice League movie. I don't get to watch movies in the theatre as often now but with the recent break from school, I indulged! I won't review the movie (as I wasn't totally stoked about it) but what stuck with me was one scene in particular: 

(SPOILER ALERT!)

Superman/Clark Kent comes back to life and goes crazy with terror and confusion and ultimately calms down with the help of Lois, his love. They fly back to his childhood home to have some quiet time to reflect and reconnect. In my head, I was thinking "oh, this is great! He's back, they can get married now, and he can save the world" blah blah blah... But then, like usual, my brain then jumps to "oh my word, he came back to life! Lois must be losing her mind! What will his mom think?!" As soon as I thought that a truck drives down the dirt road. His mom jumps out of her truck and runs to her son. He says, "Hi mom." 

CUE CRYING

Of course, that is a dream of every mother that has lost a child. I have quite a few friends that I have met along this journey that have had dreams of seeing their child again. I have not had a dream like that, yet. What I asked myself after that movie scene was, "would I want Jax to come back to life if it was possible?"

Many people would immediately say, definitely! I, though, don't know. I examined how confused and broken Superman was after being brought back to life. He wasn't meant to come back. His mom was happy but I imagine her character thinking, "how long will you be here this time? Were you happier gone from here?" 

Once you have lost a child, or anyone close to you, that question of "how are they now?" is always there. I again am thankful for my faith and strength in God. I would be a hot mess without Him. 

I find strength in knowing that Jax is not hurting. He is not struggling to breathe. His body is whole. As today marks two years since Jax passed away, I repeat the following promises that God has given me: Jax is healed. He is laughing, talking, and running.

And I know that one day we will run to each other and I will finally hear him say "Hi mom." 

Focus

During my pregnancy, I read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and wrote in the devotional pages for my baby to be able to read when he was older. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). This was the entry for January 8th. I wrote to Jax, “Be joyful and praise God when things are going your way and when they are not.” I wanted him to know that his mom wasn’t perfect and how the Lord worked in my life. I had dealt with struggles in my life before Jax was born but I look back and know the Lord was preparing me for the late feedings, the sleepless nights, the diagnosis of Hurler Syndrome, the year and a half living in a hospital, and ultimately the death of my child.

Another verse from the journal is: The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:17-18). As we are without him today on his fourth birthday, our hearts cry out with sadness and longing. I wonder what I would have done today to make his birthday special. I plan out special activities and a party in my head and wonder what cartoon he would be obsessed with, so I could have the house look like it was puked on by some Disney character. He probably would still want to watch the Cars movie and with the third installment out, we probably would have been up at 5 a.m. playing the movies on repeat.

Even though I get sad thinking we aren't doing these things today, I have to force my mind to remember that he is not suffering. He is not physically here with Corey and I but he is always with us in spirit. We don't go a minute each day without thinking about what he would be doing or what Jax would say in a situation or to a person. We see him in other kids' smiles and giggles. We see him in children who are snuggling their momma or daddy. We see him in kids who are begging for a toy in the store or refusing to eat their veggies at a restaurant. We may not see his face day to day but do see his impact daily. Thankfully, we see children who have fought as bravely as Jax did and are able to still be here on Earth. We get to see him through them and the joy they give out is the joy we cherish. 

I know I repeat a lot that we are thankful Jax is in heaven and not hurting anymore but honestly if I dwelled on the part of him not being here with us, I wouldn't know how to live. Focusing on the promise of God and his salvation and mercy is what keeps me going. Jax is no longer suffering and is able to run around like a true four year boy playing with new friends, getting into trouble in heaven. I hold on to that picture today and always.  

I wrote in the Jesus Calling journal to one day hope he could read it himself, but God knew I needed to be able to go back and read it for myself. I promised my son to the Lord and that's the promise I kept. Jax doesn't need cake and ice cream or party favors or his beloved iPad anymore. He has Jesus and that's all my four year old boy needs. 

The colt

Luke 19:28-36

I was driving in to work this morning and listening to my usual radio station. Every morning around 7:27, a Beth Moore recording always plays and I love her messages. Today’s was on the scripture above plus a few more verses, but I clung on to the ones I listed. At first it was a message that I was thinking, “this is for Easter time” but as soon as she was done reading my heart new what God was trying to tell me.

The owners were asked to untie and give up their colt, the one who had never been ridden, the one who was pure and new and gentle and perfect for Jesus. They did not hesitate. They did not protest. They even threw their cloaks on the colt and gave it to Jesus.

This is when the tears started. God was reminding me that He asked for my “colt”. My pure, innocent, baby boy who Jesus needed more than I did.

I’ve written before about the sacrifice parents need to make when allowing the Lord to have their children. We may birth them and raise them but they ultimately belong to Jesus.

He is reminding me on the eve of Jax’s “going home” anniversary that Jax was needed and wanted by the Lord to go home before we would have liked but it’s what we had to be able to give away.

We have learned so much this year about loss, love, faith, hope, and patience. God is still teaching us many lessons and many I sadly fight still.

Every one of us is asked to give up a “colt”; whether that is our pride, our money, our materials, our family, our sin. Just as the owners of the colt gave their possession away, God will use yours for good and ultimately a bigger purpose. 

"I got this"

I've been MIA from writing for over a month...sorry for all my readers, err... Nana and mom :) 

We moved, as you know, are renting, and just signed papers this past week to start the building process on our land. Corey is transitioning to a new position with Whirlpool and I ended up getting a last-minute teaching job. I had resigned myself to just subbing this year but two positions came open and I accepted one. 

This past month has been tough; emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My first week of school I had a huge breakdown. Corey was traveling and I was back in a career that I hadn't done for six years. I drove to and from school every day that week sobbing. I had thoughts of Jax running through my head all the time. I was overwhelmed with learning and relearning educational jargon that I had temporarily replaced with medical ones during the last two years. And to add to it, I got my first cold of the school year. I had forgotten how easily germs spread in a school!

I survived though. Corey came home, I buried myself in God's promises, and remembered that this is not even 1% of the stress and anxiety I felt at times over the last few years. Not to be crass, but I dealt every day with the risk of my son dying, of me fearing he was hurting, and ultimately with him passing him away. If I can make it through that (yes, scarred and hurt) I can deal with this new transition. 

When I have a panic attack or start dwelling on Jax, specifically him hurting, it takes me a while but I ultimately remember that he is not hurting anymore and that he and I are both under HIS control. There are times when I can't even think straight to get to that point of realization but when I do, it is the only thing that keeps me calm. 

There will be days when I am overwhelmed and right now, that is most of them. However, after my cry or freak out, God gently taps me on the shoulder and says "I got this". 

Turtle signs

Well...I wrote a really cool blog about finding signs in grief but I'm too irritated to re-wrtie it all :) 

The gist is that even though we grieve, and it's totally fine to, we have to make sure not to stay slumped all the time. One of the joys of children are memories. The other moms I know who have lost children in the last few years all look for "signs" from their kid. Mine are turtles. Usually I search out turtles to remember Jax but other times I'm gifted one or see one in nature and it brings a smile to my face. 

I called Jax, "Turtle" since before his birth and will always cherish turtles because of him. The point is not to idolize or replace your loved one with an object but to remember that person through the object. I become guilty of holding on too much to an item. I don't want anything to happen to his baby blanket (that has turtles on it) and threaten the lives of people if they damage it. But everyone and then I have to remind myself, or the angel on my shoulder does, that even if something would happen to one of my turtles or his stuff, I'll be fine. He is always with me no matter what. 

We decided on a name for our land that will be in iron above our property gate. We thought hard on who to recognize Jax and one day be able to use the land to help others. Corey thought of "Turtle Run" and I immediately loved it. I pray that we can use the land we have to help children and families and always look around for Jax's signs of turtles. 

Moving on during Grief

Today the movers arrived bright and early. Two kind men, Greg and Gary, from Cleveland who will be with us all week. I feel like they are becoming part of our family. They are packing our dishes, toiletries, clothes (I did the personal ones), and most importantly Jax's things. 

I had to explain to them about the room upstairs with the door closed. It has a post-it note like everything else in the house but this one is just on the door reading "Everything in this room-Storage". 

I cry every time i think about his cute clothes, bedding, toys, and pictures that will no longer have a room in our house. We haven't been able to go through anything yet but we plan on one day while it's in storage. Of course we kept some important pictures and blankets and his basketball hoop out. We will never not have any of his things around but it's not the same living in a house full of toys and kid's books and Mickey Mouse plates and then move somewhere where there are none. 

He will no longer have a designated room  where we can say is "Jax's". It makes me sad to leave here but I also know that we are moving because of him. We learned a lot this past year. We learned we can live in a small space with a few items, barely showering or sleeping just as long as we could take care of our son. We learned that it doesn't matter if we bought him the latest and greatest toy or we watched Cars a million times, as long as we were there he was comforted. We learned that making money and buying cool gadgets wasn't going to give us joy. We learned that we don't have to have his items to remember Jax. We don't have to hold onto earthly possessions to show that we still love him. 

We are moving to be closer to family and to Jax's grave. We bought land a few months ago and have dreams of using it to one day help other children and animals. We pray that we will be able to have other children, whether that is through adoption or birth. We plan on dedicating our time and resources to help others who are going through trials like we did and are. 

Moving away from this house in no means means we are moving away from Jax. We may have to box up his stuff for a few months but one day we pray we can use them again for another child.

We are still grieving. Days are becoming easier but these moments of emotional weakness reminds me I need to grieve. I need to remember and not hold it in.

We will definitely cry when leaving this house. We will cry leaving our neighbors who have taken care of us. We will cry leaving the town Jax was born in. 

But we will (good) cry returning to Tennessee, knowing we have friends and family waiting. We will (good) cry because we will now live a few miles away from Jax's grave and can visit anytime we want. We will (good) cry knowing that he doesn't care that we are moving. He is living in the best damn house there is and one day we will move there too and that time we won't have to pay movers :) 

Truthful Friendships

I've written about friendships before but this time it is a bit different. 

I got to meet up with two of my childhood friends last week. Both women have known me when I was going through my dorky, weird stage (still am though). They have visited me while in Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Indiana along with numerous other friends.

The point of a friendship is to lean on each other and rejoice with each other. No friendship is perfect. No friendship is without pain. 

True friendships are ones where you can be open and honest about anything. I'm thankful I have many of these relationships. The problem is that when grieving we often don't want to burden others by being truthful all the time. 

It is very emotional to talk about how we truly are feeling all the time. It's draining and just plain ol' sad. But I'm thankful that when I do need to talk about it, I have a plethora of friends who I know will listen to me. 

It does not help to lie to your friends when they honestly want to know how you are. And saying "eh, but I don't want to talk about it" is still being truthful. I've learned that I don't want to say how I'm doing all the time but lying and saying I'm okay doesn't help me. 

My friends are grieving too. My family is grieving. I'm grieving. 

When you are honest and truthful, it allows the other person to feel alongside and ultimately it can help them. Grieving is not a one-sided process. Remember to let others in and you both can be helped.

Become a Threat

Many of you know I am slightly obsessed with the Harry Potter book and movie series. The books allowed me to escape into a fantasy world of wonder, magic, faith, love, and friendship. They talked openly about death and life and evil and goodness in the world. These were all things I was dealing with over the last few years. 

When I get anxious and need to get work done around the house or running errands, I tend to put on the audio book and listen because I can miss a few minutes and not miss my place in the story. I also like to watch the movie after I've finished the book correlating to it. Right now I'm watching the Fifth Book: Order of the Phoenix. There are so many good quotes that I've mentally made a note to write about and one of them just popped up.

Harry is feeling alone. He feels lost. He feels vulnerable and melancholy. He walks into the woods and meets Luna Lovegood who is feeding the thestrals. These winged-horse figures can only be seen by people who have seen death. They talk about that for a while then get on to the topic of Voldemort who has returned. 

Luna senses that Harry is upset that people are alienating him and she says "Well, if I were 'you know who' (Voldemort), I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. Because if it's just you alone, you're not much of a threat."

I got one of those "ah ha!" moments this last time listening to that. That's exactly how the devil wants us to feel. In our moments of sadness and anxiety, he wants us to feel cut off from people for it's easier to lose ourselves in our own thoughts and fears. 

Now more than ever I need people around me. When you have "seen death" like I have, having people who love and care for me in my "circle" is so important. I need those reminders that I'm not alone. It can be so much easier to stay hidden inside and alone in your thoughts. 

God gives us people in our lives to help us. He knows that the devil wants us to feel alone, scared, sad, and fearful. God is the light that breaks through the darkness. Even though I do feel sad and alone sometimes, it honestly is less than it could be. I'm thankful that I feel God's love all the time. That is through the love of others, seeing it in nature, feeling it from my husband, or remembering wonderful memories with Jax. 

The great thing about knowing that the devil threatens us through aloneness and fear is that we know how to defeat him. Talk to at least two people a day. Get outside of the house at least once a day. Remind yourself that you are not alone in these feelings. 

When I don't feel scared or sad or alone, I am able to shine God's light to those who also may need it. It's not bad to feel those emotions, it's natural. Just remember that when you let yourself not be alone in this world, you become more of a threat to evil. 

The Most Dangerous Game

Don't worry, I have not resorted to hunting other human beings. If you've read the short story "The Most Dangerous Game" then you know that a very wealthy man created a hunting trip to hunt the most dangerous game there is in the world: humans. 

Okay, this started off bad. Let's liven it up a bit and talk about what else could be considered the "most dangerous game"...

Loving other people.

No other action can bring so much joy and happiness but also so much despair and heartache. Loving others affects all of the senses. You physically love people, emotionally invest in them, and spiritually feel for them. I've met people who have a hard time expressing love to others either because of their past or because they can't quantify it. It isn't a thing that can always fit in a box. We like to see or feel love but to describe it, is so hard. 

More often than not we get hurt through loving someone. It tends to serve as a right of passage to love someone else and get hurt in the relationship. We are flawed in nature and can't ever have a perfect loving relationship with another human being. Even when I loved with my whole heart towards Jax, I was not perfect. The only perfect love we can experience is through Christ. There is no hurt, no condemnation, no flaws, no struggle on his love towards us. That doesn't mean we love Him perfectly. But regardless of how we act or love, we will never lose the love of God. 

We should strive to love the way Christ loves us. Without prejudice or condemnation. It is a daily struggle, a dangerous game. But if we continue to love the best we can and be aware that we can do better it no longer becomes a dangerous game but the easiest game of life. 

Touch

This week I have longed to be able to touch Jax again. 

I look at pictures and pretend as I touch his hands or chubby cheeks on the photograph that it is really him. I try to remember what he felt like.  The last time I got to touch his soft skin was when he was no longer with us. He was cold, clammy, and stiff. Not anything like my baby boy was truly. 

It's hard to imagine death sometimes especially when we see the body of the person whose soul has gone on. Thankfully, God has given me the peace to remember Jax as a healthy, happy boy and the calmness to remember that he is healthier and happier now.

We long to touch the things we can't. We are human and wonder is in our nature. As a child we were told not to touch items in a store or at a fancy home but we still wanted to and often did. God made us with the sense of touch. We feel through it, both emotionally and physically. 

Now, instead of touching my son's hair or soft cheeks I touch his toys or his baby blanket (that I guard with my life) but I don't think that these items are Jax. The touch of them remind me of him and the time we had together on Earth.

I'm thankful for touch. I'm thankful I can remember when Jax was born. I'm thankful I can remember the last time I held him. I'm thankful I will touch him again. 

A choice

Today I will make millions of choices. I will choose every few seconds to breathe. I will choose what to eat and when (probably too much chocolate today). I will choose what activities to do and how I will act at them (hopefully not sob all day).  I will choose to remember my son and all the goodness he brought into the world. I will choose to hold on to God's promise that He has healed Jax and will heal our hearts.

Every day is a choice. Most days it is hard for me to make choices. My anxiety or sadness overwhelms me and deciding what to eat or what to do for that day is too much. When Jax was in the hospital, I had to make choices at least every hour about his care. Is he in pain? Is he hungry? Should I ask for a doctor to come and see him? I was in charge of making sure my son was comfortable and cared for. Even though those choices are hard, I would gladly do it over to take care of my son again.

Today we choose to remember Jax on his 3rd birthday. He was born early in the morning after a long labor and I can still recall how quickly our lives changed. One minute Corey and I are just a couple and the next here comes our child into the world, making us a family. We chose then to care for him and love him unconditionally. We chose to honor God and promise to bring Jax up knowing and loving Christ and others. We chose to give up Jax to God and his future to His will. 

Five months ago we had to make the hardest choice of our lives and be true to the promises we made at his birth. We had to believe that God had a plan for Jax and us and that even though we would lose our son here on Earth, God would take care of him in Heaven; healthy and whole. Our son is not here today to celebrate his 3rd birthday. He is not choosing what flavor cake he wants or which new toy to play with. He is not here to choose who to blow kisses to or how many times he wants to watch the movie "Cars" (which would probably be all day). 

I have to choose today to not dwell on all the choices he can not make. I choose to remember that he doesn't have to worry about making choices. He doesn't have to choose how to feel today. He is always happy now. He is always healthy now. He is and will always be loved. 

I will cry today. I will try to choose to hold it in. But I will cry. I choose to be happy for Jax. I choose to remember our happy moments. I choose to remember his past birthdays and how he loved opening presents but never really loved cake :) I choose to remember that one day, when I see him again we will have the best birthday party ever in Heaven and then I don't have to choose to be happy...I will be. 

Hiding the Hulk

A lot of friends and family have asked "how do I do it?" 

The "do" part of that means basically; live, cope, not go crazy.

I often don't have answer. I know the majority of it is that God is within me all day, every day and gives me peace "like a fountain". But that doesn't mean that I'm not constantly feeling down, crazy, or on the verge of hysterics. 75% of the time I choose to not give in to those feelings and how I do that is hard to explain...

.....

I love watching movies. I always have. I could binge on movies all day. I worked at a theatre during college and have always been able to immerse myself in to a plot. I have such an imagination and it can hurt my concentration but usually it helps me relate to situations, people, and give me a sense of normalcy during difficult times. Like I've said before Harry Potty has helped me immensely to "escape" for when hard times were upon us with Jax.

Another one of the movies I watched a lot this past spring were the Marvel Avenger Series. One scene caught my attention and it has been stuck on a post-it on the back of my brain for a while ready for me to use. I'm paraphrasing here: Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) asks Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) how he surpasses his anger so that he doesn't turn into the Hulk at all times. He first says he has a secret but doesn't divulge it. Later on in the movie, he brings it up and asks the question again so everyone can hear the answer. He states "the secret is that I'm angry all the time." 

He tried so hard to fight the urge to become angry but once he realized that its healthier to feel the way he should, it was easy to control and not "hulk up" all the time. The same works for me. No, I don't turn into a green, mean giant but I do constantly feel this sadness stir in my pit. It creeps up higher sometimes and I have to acknowledge it being there but if I try to suppress it too much, I "hulk up". I cry and get angry and depressed and it takes a while for me to come down. 

Now, it's hard to balance the thought of letting God completely give peace and calmness while also fighting this inner sadness and anger and confusion. I would become even worse when I thought that because I felt sad that I wasn't following God's will. But God wants me to feel. He wants me to remember the pain, he wants me to cry, but he doesn't want me to react to it. Don't let it fester, don't let it become my "Hulk". We were designed to have feelings, emotions, and thoughts. 

Like other things, God gives us the choice to how we use them and to not let them control us. 

I've learned to hide my "hulk" but never to hide my God. 

Bull

There are a few words that begin with bull. I like saying one of them when I stub my toe or forget I have water boiling but for the sake of my mother reading this, I'll abstain. 

The other commonly used one is bullfrog. 

I took a three hour long nap today, actually yesterday now, and I can't sleep. Why am I writing of bullfrogs?

Corey and I live on a pond. The first night we slept in our house after Jax died, we kept waking up, partly from stress, and mostly because we kept hearing all these symphonic sounds. My city ears didn't realize they were animals and bugs. 

A bullfrog makes a loud, vibratic, low toned sound. I don't know if this is the male or female and I really don't want to do the research tonight but I assume it is the male and it is then being answered by a less low toned female. 

“Hey baby. Want some bugs?”

“Sure, Prince Charming.”

This what late nights do to my humor. (That and watching stupid YouTube videos) 

 I used to hate the sounds of the hospital. But after a while, just like being back at home, you get used to them and miss them when they're gone. 

I don't know if I'll ever miss Mr. And Mrs. Frog but I guess when we live in the hills of Tennessee one day I'll have to get used to a lot more. 

(I'll probably invest in a noise machine by then.)

Anxiety

I've been having more anxiety attacks these past few weeks. The worst one was in our local Target. I went to get a few things and mainly just wander. 

My first mistake was that I creepily started staring at a little boy with blonde hair that was crying. He was with his mom, and I assume grandma, and I caught myself walking in circles just to watch him and make sure he was okay. He was definitely okay and not hurting, just the typical toddler cry for wanting something but this is a trigger for me. 

Anytime I see or hear a child crying my emotions go haywire, my body tenses, my breathing gets shorter, and my heart rate increases. This all started last year when Jax first went into the ICU. I couldn't leave the building, let alone his room without panicking when I'd see or hear a child crying or I would make up that they were hurting. I met with someone while I was at the hospital who gave me many techniques to calm me down and realize the space I'm in. Another "technique" I used was listening to audiobooks. The last few months of Jax's life, I listened to all seven books of Harry Potter. I'd already read through them a few times but listening to a story that I knew the outcome, had some control over, was soothing. 

Of course I did other methods of relaxation and prayed a ton, but I had to find my own way of coping. Now I couldn't very easily listen to a book that day at Target.(Well, I could have but I had to muster all my energy to not curl up in a bawl in the Dollar section. I ended up walking around in circles and on the last lap, I passed the greeting card aisle and that's when the other proverbial shoe dropped...

This was two weeks ago and they had already switched the holiday cards to Father's Day. I saw one that said "Grandpa" on it with other stuff but once I saw the baby blue with that word I lost it. I headed straight to check out, barely made it without hyperventilating and started bawling once I hit the outdoors. 

Unfortunately, I had plans to meet up with someone in a few hours but once I have an attack I'm done for the day. I'm drained mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have emergency meds but I really try not to take them unless I can't stop freaking out. I truly believe that talking to God helps me. It's just sometimes, I can't even think straight enough to get to that point. Thankfully, this day God gave me strength enough to call the person I was canceling with and she prayed with me over the phone. 

So I'm ugly crying, driving in the van, praying (with my eyes open), and a peace comes over me. I'm still drained but I knew that God was there and I was going to be okay. Sometimes, when I get these, I freak out about where Jax is. I think I've left him somewhere or I have to double take in the back of the van. It's so comforting remembering that he is with Jesus. He is happy, healthy, and loved. I want to hold him again so much but I remember the promise of Heaven.

The rest of the weekend went okay. I had a bridal shower and a wedding the next two days. It's hard because after an attack and usually in any new situation, it's hard not to start worrying ahead of time of having a panic attack. Most times, there is no warning. 

Saturday went by fine. I was able to be with family at my cousin's bridal shower. Sunday, we had a wedding and without realizing it, another attack started before the reception. The other problem Corey and I have up here is that a lot of people don't know our story. We don't have family here and since Jax wasn't treated up here, his story is only known within close circles. 

The thought of going somewhere where no one knows our son died started freaking us out. Was it going to be a night of awkward conversation, trying to avoid the sadness at a happy celebration? People don't mean to be mean or awkward, it's just sometimes when we get the question "do you have kids?" and we respond truthfully, we get blank stares with a lot of "sorry" or people think we'd rather not talk with them. Sometimes, the latter is true but usually we want to share his story and how God has used us.

Needless to say, my anxiety trumped that day and I missed out on a beautiful reception. I hate missing things and I hope people realize it's nothing they do. I will get to a place where I'm not scared or freak out. I know I will. 

Anxiety is no joke. I never really understood it when people would say they were anxious or having a panic attack. I stupidly thought they were faking it for attention or were hypochondriacs. I'm so sorry for thinking that. God has taught me many lessons and this is one. Don't judge others. Not just in this case but in life in general. I now know what it feels like sweating through a shirt because all of a sudden I remember Jax died. I cry until I have a migraine and sinus infection. I know your hurt and frustration and not feeling in control. 

I'm sorry you experience the same. 

I'm sorry it sucks.

Don't forget there are others who love you. God loves you and is there. Even when we can't remember our name at the moment, He is there. He remembers. 

1:365

I've been thinking about how to write about Mother’s Day since the beginning of May. It didn't creep up on me like I would have preferred. I've had to fight with the emotions and memories more than I'd like. I wrote most of this before Mother's Day but I could never seem to finish it the way it deserved.

I use the term mother to mean a lot more than just the women who give birth to a child. This day is to celebrate mothers, fathers who act as mothers, and other relatives or loved ones who serve as a mother. There are also those of us who are mothers but our child is not with us living anymore. Or there are those who have lost their mother before they would have preffered.

The definition of a mother (according to the dictionary on Words with Friends, which my mom and I are obsessed with playing each other...and beating each other) is:

1. The greatest or most notable example of

We often say the expression, “the mother of all __________” to denote something grand or tremendous. So it is fitting that to define a mother is to define something extraordinary. Mothers are extra ordinary. We would fight anyone or anything if it went to harm our children. We give up our own wants and needs to provide for our children.

I saw an instagram post from the USinterior about a mama bear and her cubs. I heard more than once one of my friends or myself say while we were at the hospital that the “mama bear came out” during an experience. The IG post said “nature continues to give us an example of an unbreakable connection”. No matter if we gave birth, adopted, saved, or stepped-in to be a mother, we all would envoke the natural instinct of protection.

Why do we just celebrate this act of love and sacrifice one day a year? We instead should remember our mothers 365 days. I won’t lie, it’s nice to have that one day to be pampered. 

As I continue to read about my friends who are becoming mothers again or for the first time and about the mothers who lose their children still or those who fight every second of every day to preserve some health and normalcy for their children, I can't help but be proud to be considered one with this group. 

I saw mothers every day argue with doctors who by the book "know more than them" but we know our children. I saw mothers calm their children as they were crying. I saw mothers bathe and dress their children while there were unconscious. I was one of those mothers. 

That doesn't happen just one day out of the year. A mother's job is not 1 day out of 365. We are day in and day out working and striving to love our children the way God loves us. I still see it in grandmothers, great grandmothers.

Until the day we meet our Father, we will always act as a Mother. 

Comfort Zone

Corey and I have said from the beginning of Jax’s journey with Hurlers that we are meant to act because of this. We had gotten in a routine already within two years of marriage and one year of having a child. God shook our world like one shakes a snow globe trying to see the beauty that settles at the bottom.

We were comfortable.

Corey has a great job, we don't worry about finances, we bought our dream house, we had a son, and we were talking of expanding our family.

Now it's not to say that God didn't like all of the above, Or that He thought we shouldn't have it. I believe that God knew we could handle what was to come. Sometimes I wish that wasn't true.

One day we are any other family, I had driven Jax and myself down to my parents’ for my mother’s 60th birthday. Corey had to stay back for work. And we had plans to meet the next day in Indianapolis for a doctor’s appointment that we thought was regarding Jax's spine issue.

I can relive that next day over and over again in my head. Mom came with me to help with Jax and then she planned on coming home with us for a few days. Little did we know she would stay for two weeks after the news we got.

I'll write about what was said and our gut wrenching emotions at another time. I want to talk about the 180 degree shift that took place within 24 hrs.

There are always “what ifs” or “should haves” that stare at you in the mirror of time. I should have taken more pictures of the young cousins together at mom and dad’s. I should have relished the last time I thought Jax was healthy. I should have…

I know I could go on and on for every day of my life in this way but it's pointless. One day we were oblivious and the next was shock. God used that day, July 30th 2014, to change our lives, shake us up, and yank us out of our comfort zone.

We drove home crying, speechless. My mom rode with me and called family. She called my dad to head up to South Bend and we told Corey's parents we wanted them to come too. We needed family around us. We needed love and support and we didn't know that this would carry on through today.

I've debated on how to write about our future. We really don't know timing but we have been praying and letting God lead us. We understand that He will let us make choices on our own but we wholeheartedly want to be with God in our life.

Corey and I went down a month ago to try and buy some land that we want to use to honor Jax and God. We were able to purchase it and will be combining it with some other family land to build not only buildings but a future and purpose.

No matter where we end up or stay, God can use us. The comforting things about zones are that they can be always surveyed and moved.

Flaws

Often times I have gone away from a gathering and had realizations. Some good. Some bad.

Tonight I had a couple of girlfriends over to catch up on our tv shows. (You know those ones where it is a lot more fun to watch with other people than by your lonesome.) As I get ready for the night, after they've left, I come to one of my epiphanies; that I'm a lousy friend sometimes.

First, let me say that NO I'm not writing this to get positive feedback or praise. I know I'm a good friend but we all have our not so great moments in life and lately I've picked up on mine:

I tend to judge quicker than I used to. I talk way too much about myself. I forget that I haven't always been able to live the life I do now. I interrupt more. There's probably more but it's late and I'm not doing this for self-deprication purposes. 

The meaning behind this is that over the past few years I've talked about myself and my family a lot. Because of what we went through we tend to be the topic of conversations and people want to know things. I forget that I probably should listen and ask questions as well about the other person(s). As I strengthen new relationships, I'm learning that I'm pretty snotty sometimes. I said tonight that "I don't like hugging all the time". I shouldn't care! If someone else wants to hug me, I need to take it with open arms (no pun intended). I should love that others tell me they love me anytime they please. 

We can become too focused on ourselves and what we want that we forget that any relationship is based on not just one person but both parties. Why should we take for granted the love others want to give. I alone should understand and not underestimate what time we have with others. 

So to all my friends, family, and acquaintances I'm sorry for not being up to par lately. I promise to improve and feel free to give me a kick in the pants if I don't. 

Third Month

Today marks 3 months since our son left Earth.

I want to stop there but I know there is so much more to say. As I've stated before, it is often very hard to put into words what we are feeling from one minute to the next. Some days its easier to talk about it and others, unexpectantly, you can't at all. 

Three months without your child is nothing I ever thought I'd have to think about or say. The last two months on the 2nd of the month I forgot about the date until later in the day. This month I remembered the day before it was coming. 

Three months of readjusting to life outside of a "glass house".

I am alone most days and have to stick to my own plan rather than what happens medically to Jax. I'm having to refocus my brain and heart to myself and Corey. 

A third of my heart feels empty. 

I don't have less love but physically I feel a third less than I was three months ago. I was once a body filled with two human beings. That feeling never leaves you. It's harder now though to remember that as the other half is no longer in front of my eyes. 

Three months ago there were three of us. Now there are two. 

Our love between Corey and I has not faded or lessened. We are just learning how to love again as just the two of us. We will never not have love for Jax but like any marriage, you have to love your spouse separate from your children. 

Three months of changes. 

Not only have we experienced emotional changes but also physical, financial, situational, and spiritual changes. We are living back in our house where when we left a year and a half ago we had Jax with us. Our bodies are worn and tired. We no longer have to live in two different cities and pay for two people instead of three. BUT the greatest change that is also the positive one is the spiritual victory that Corey and I have gained from the last three months.

It is so often easier to become angry and possessed with bad. (We do get angry) but we have been able to allow God to work in us. We hold on to the truth that Jax is in Heaven; he no longer hurts. His body does not look like it did 3 months ago. He breathes on his own. He doesn't have to lay in a bed 24/7. He can talk and laugh. He can know no worry. 

Today marks 3 months since our son has lived in Heaven. 

I can go on but I know that that truth is the best way to remember him. The easiest way to talk and remember him is to miss him and love him. 

Today is the third month of Jax being whole.