Anxiety

I've been having more anxiety attacks these past few weeks. The worst one was in our local Target. I went to get a few things and mainly just wander. 

My first mistake was that I creepily started staring at a little boy with blonde hair that was crying. He was with his mom, and I assume grandma, and I caught myself walking in circles just to watch him and make sure he was okay. He was definitely okay and not hurting, just the typical toddler cry for wanting something but this is a trigger for me. 

Anytime I see or hear a child crying my emotions go haywire, my body tenses, my breathing gets shorter, and my heart rate increases. This all started last year when Jax first went into the ICU. I couldn't leave the building, let alone his room without panicking when I'd see or hear a child crying or I would make up that they were hurting. I met with someone while I was at the hospital who gave me many techniques to calm me down and realize the space I'm in. Another "technique" I used was listening to audiobooks. The last few months of Jax's life, I listened to all seven books of Harry Potter. I'd already read through them a few times but listening to a story that I knew the outcome, had some control over, was soothing. 

Of course I did other methods of relaxation and prayed a ton, but I had to find my own way of coping. Now I couldn't very easily listen to a book that day at Target.(Well, I could have but I had to muster all my energy to not curl up in a bawl in the Dollar section. I ended up walking around in circles and on the last lap, I passed the greeting card aisle and that's when the other proverbial shoe dropped...

This was two weeks ago and they had already switched the holiday cards to Father's Day. I saw one that said "Grandpa" on it with other stuff but once I saw the baby blue with that word I lost it. I headed straight to check out, barely made it without hyperventilating and started bawling once I hit the outdoors. 

Unfortunately, I had plans to meet up with someone in a few hours but once I have an attack I'm done for the day. I'm drained mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have emergency meds but I really try not to take them unless I can't stop freaking out. I truly believe that talking to God helps me. It's just sometimes, I can't even think straight enough to get to that point. Thankfully, this day God gave me strength enough to call the person I was canceling with and she prayed with me over the phone. 

So I'm ugly crying, driving in the van, praying (with my eyes open), and a peace comes over me. I'm still drained but I knew that God was there and I was going to be okay. Sometimes, when I get these, I freak out about where Jax is. I think I've left him somewhere or I have to double take in the back of the van. It's so comforting remembering that he is with Jesus. He is happy, healthy, and loved. I want to hold him again so much but I remember the promise of Heaven.

The rest of the weekend went okay. I had a bridal shower and a wedding the next two days. It's hard because after an attack and usually in any new situation, it's hard not to start worrying ahead of time of having a panic attack. Most times, there is no warning. 

Saturday went by fine. I was able to be with family at my cousin's bridal shower. Sunday, we had a wedding and without realizing it, another attack started before the reception. The other problem Corey and I have up here is that a lot of people don't know our story. We don't have family here and since Jax wasn't treated up here, his story is only known within close circles. 

The thought of going somewhere where no one knows our son died started freaking us out. Was it going to be a night of awkward conversation, trying to avoid the sadness at a happy celebration? People don't mean to be mean or awkward, it's just sometimes when we get the question "do you have kids?" and we respond truthfully, we get blank stares with a lot of "sorry" or people think we'd rather not talk with them. Sometimes, the latter is true but usually we want to share his story and how God has used us.

Needless to say, my anxiety trumped that day and I missed out on a beautiful reception. I hate missing things and I hope people realize it's nothing they do. I will get to a place where I'm not scared or freak out. I know I will. 

Anxiety is no joke. I never really understood it when people would say they were anxious or having a panic attack. I stupidly thought they were faking it for attention or were hypochondriacs. I'm so sorry for thinking that. God has taught me many lessons and this is one. Don't judge others. Not just in this case but in life in general. I now know what it feels like sweating through a shirt because all of a sudden I remember Jax died. I cry until I have a migraine and sinus infection. I know your hurt and frustration and not feeling in control. 

I'm sorry you experience the same. 

I'm sorry it sucks.

Don't forget there are others who love you. God loves you and is there. Even when we can't remember our name at the moment, He is there. He remembers.