Third Month

Today marks 3 months since our son left Earth.

I want to stop there but I know there is so much more to say. As I've stated before, it is often very hard to put into words what we are feeling from one minute to the next. Some days its easier to talk about it and others, unexpectantly, you can't at all. 

Three months without your child is nothing I ever thought I'd have to think about or say. The last two months on the 2nd of the month I forgot about the date until later in the day. This month I remembered the day before it was coming. 

Three months of readjusting to life outside of a "glass house".

I am alone most days and have to stick to my own plan rather than what happens medically to Jax. I'm having to refocus my brain and heart to myself and Corey. 

A third of my heart feels empty. 

I don't have less love but physically I feel a third less than I was three months ago. I was once a body filled with two human beings. That feeling never leaves you. It's harder now though to remember that as the other half is no longer in front of my eyes. 

Three months ago there were three of us. Now there are two. 

Our love between Corey and I has not faded or lessened. We are just learning how to love again as just the two of us. We will never not have love for Jax but like any marriage, you have to love your spouse separate from your children. 

Three months of changes. 

Not only have we experienced emotional changes but also physical, financial, situational, and spiritual changes. We are living back in our house where when we left a year and a half ago we had Jax with us. Our bodies are worn and tired. We no longer have to live in two different cities and pay for two people instead of three. BUT the greatest change that is also the positive one is the spiritual victory that Corey and I have gained from the last three months.

It is so often easier to become angry and possessed with bad. (We do get angry) but we have been able to allow God to work in us. We hold on to the truth that Jax is in Heaven; he no longer hurts. His body does not look like it did 3 months ago. He breathes on his own. He doesn't have to lay in a bed 24/7. He can talk and laugh. He can know no worry. 

Today marks 3 months since our son has lived in Heaven. 

I can go on but I know that that truth is the best way to remember him. The easiest way to talk and remember him is to miss him and love him. 

Today is the third month of Jax being whole.