A choice

Today I will make millions of choices. I will choose every few seconds to breathe. I will choose what to eat and when (probably too much chocolate today). I will choose what activities to do and how I will act at them (hopefully not sob all day).  I will choose to remember my son and all the goodness he brought into the world. I will choose to hold on to God's promise that He has healed Jax and will heal our hearts.

Every day is a choice. Most days it is hard for me to make choices. My anxiety or sadness overwhelms me and deciding what to eat or what to do for that day is too much. When Jax was in the hospital, I had to make choices at least every hour about his care. Is he in pain? Is he hungry? Should I ask for a doctor to come and see him? I was in charge of making sure my son was comfortable and cared for. Even though those choices are hard, I would gladly do it over to take care of my son again.

Today we choose to remember Jax on his 3rd birthday. He was born early in the morning after a long labor and I can still recall how quickly our lives changed. One minute Corey and I are just a couple and the next here comes our child into the world, making us a family. We chose then to care for him and love him unconditionally. We chose to honor God and promise to bring Jax up knowing and loving Christ and others. We chose to give up Jax to God and his future to His will. 

Five months ago we had to make the hardest choice of our lives and be true to the promises we made at his birth. We had to believe that God had a plan for Jax and us and that even though we would lose our son here on Earth, God would take care of him in Heaven; healthy and whole. Our son is not here today to celebrate his 3rd birthday. He is not choosing what flavor cake he wants or which new toy to play with. He is not here to choose who to blow kisses to or how many times he wants to watch the movie "Cars" (which would probably be all day). 

I have to choose today to not dwell on all the choices he can not make. I choose to remember that he doesn't have to worry about making choices. He doesn't have to choose how to feel today. He is always happy now. He is always healthy now. He is and will always be loved. 

I will cry today. I will try to choose to hold it in. But I will cry. I choose to be happy for Jax. I choose to remember our happy moments. I choose to remember his past birthdays and how he loved opening presents but never really loved cake :) I choose to remember that one day, when I see him again we will have the best birthday party ever in Heaven and then I don't have to choose to be happy...I will be.