Focus

During my pregnancy, I read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, and wrote in the devotional pages for my baby to be able to read when he was older. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). This was the entry for January 8th. I wrote to Jax, “Be joyful and praise God when things are going your way and when they are not.” I wanted him to know that his mom wasn’t perfect and how the Lord worked in my life. I had dealt with struggles in my life before Jax was born but I look back and know the Lord was preparing me for the late feedings, the sleepless nights, the diagnosis of Hurler Syndrome, the year and a half living in a hospital, and ultimately the death of my child.

Another verse from the journal is: The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:17-18). As we are without him today on his fourth birthday, our hearts cry out with sadness and longing. I wonder what I would have done today to make his birthday special. I plan out special activities and a party in my head and wonder what cartoon he would be obsessed with, so I could have the house look like it was puked on by some Disney character. He probably would still want to watch the Cars movie and with the third installment out, we probably would have been up at 5 a.m. playing the movies on repeat.

Even though I get sad thinking we aren't doing these things today, I have to force my mind to remember that he is not suffering. He is not physically here with Corey and I but he is always with us in spirit. We don't go a minute each day without thinking about what he would be doing or what Jax would say in a situation or to a person. We see him in other kids' smiles and giggles. We see him in children who are snuggling their momma or daddy. We see him in kids who are begging for a toy in the store or refusing to eat their veggies at a restaurant. We may not see his face day to day but do see his impact daily. Thankfully, we see children who have fought as bravely as Jax did and are able to still be here on Earth. We get to see him through them and the joy they give out is the joy we cherish. 

I know I repeat a lot that we are thankful Jax is in heaven and not hurting anymore but honestly if I dwelled on the part of him not being here with us, I wouldn't know how to live. Focusing on the promise of God and his salvation and mercy is what keeps me going. Jax is no longer suffering and is able to run around like a true four year boy playing with new friends, getting into trouble in heaven. I hold on to that picture today and always.  

I wrote in the Jesus Calling journal to one day hope he could read it himself, but God knew I needed to be able to go back and read it for myself. I promised my son to the Lord and that's the promise I kept. Jax doesn't need cake and ice cream or party favors or his beloved iPad anymore. He has Jesus and that's all my four year old boy needs.