Moving on during Grief

Today the movers arrived bright and early. Two kind men, Greg and Gary, from Cleveland who will be with us all week. I feel like they are becoming part of our family. They are packing our dishes, toiletries, clothes (I did the personal ones), and most importantly Jax's things. 

I had to explain to them about the room upstairs with the door closed. It has a post-it note like everything else in the house but this one is just on the door reading "Everything in this room-Storage". 

I cry every time i think about his cute clothes, bedding, toys, and pictures that will no longer have a room in our house. We haven't been able to go through anything yet but we plan on one day while it's in storage. Of course we kept some important pictures and blankets and his basketball hoop out. We will never not have any of his things around but it's not the same living in a house full of toys and kid's books and Mickey Mouse plates and then move somewhere where there are none. 

He will no longer have a designated room  where we can say is "Jax's". It makes me sad to leave here but I also know that we are moving because of him. We learned a lot this past year. We learned we can live in a small space with a few items, barely showering or sleeping just as long as we could take care of our son. We learned that it doesn't matter if we bought him the latest and greatest toy or we watched Cars a million times, as long as we were there he was comforted. We learned that making money and buying cool gadgets wasn't going to give us joy. We learned that we don't have to have his items to remember Jax. We don't have to hold onto earthly possessions to show that we still love him. 

We are moving to be closer to family and to Jax's grave. We bought land a few months ago and have dreams of using it to one day help other children and animals. We pray that we will be able to have other children, whether that is through adoption or birth. We plan on dedicating our time and resources to help others who are going through trials like we did and are. 

Moving away from this house in no means means we are moving away from Jax. We may have to box up his stuff for a few months but one day we pray we can use them again for another child.

We are still grieving. Days are becoming easier but these moments of emotional weakness reminds me I need to grieve. I need to remember and not hold it in.

We will definitely cry when leaving this house. We will cry leaving our neighbors who have taken care of us. We will cry leaving the town Jax was born in. 

But we will (good) cry returning to Tennessee, knowing we have friends and family waiting. We will (good) cry because we will now live a few miles away from Jax's grave and can visit anytime we want. We will (good) cry knowing that he doesn't care that we are moving. He is living in the best damn house there is and one day we will move there too and that time we won't have to pay movers :)