James 3-4

I wrote a long post this past summer (July 9th: Jax’s birthday) that turned into a complaining monologue about other people and my judgments of them. Usually releasing thoughts feels good but I felt convicted and stupid in my curses. 

It's easy to revert back to those feelings, which when I look at them under a microscope equals jealousy. I am jealous that their children are still living. I am jealous that they have the ability to throw birthday parties, yell at their kids, complain about poopy diapers, and hold their child. 

It's hard to outwardly acknowledge it.

My tongue 'curses the people who are the likeness of God from the same mouth I praise God' (James 3:9).

I can come across as calm and at peace, most of the time, but the dragon of anger and jealousy does rear its head. Often, we think of jealousy towards materialistic matters. But jealousy can live in our hearts for everything. It can lead to other emotions and slowly or quickly eat away at our spirit and joy in the Lord. 

I have a healthy baby girl now and still get jealous. I am jealous of friends who have their family living close. I am jealous of women who can spout out scripture whenever. It’s what I do with that jealousy that is key. I can either hold on to it and let it fester and let the devil really get ahold of me or I can remember that ‘God is jealous for me’. Instead of me being jealous or letting it take hold of me, it’s important I dive into scripture (even if I can’t memorize it to save my life) and surround myself with God’s promises.

"God...gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). 

When I feel these emotions, kicking my self proverbially does some good but also returning to the Lord and letting his Grace encompass me is the best 'medicine'. I yearn to be a "doer" and not a "judge" as James writes. I am not perfect and as these hard days come and go, it can be hard to remain in the joy of what I do have; promises and faith. 

His mercies are new each day, each minute, each second for me and by releasing the jealousy that creeps (cause it still does) to God, I give the power to Him to protect my heart and mind. I am not trying to fix myself or others around me. Sure, I may get frustrated but again going to God and revealing my sin and not the sin of others (or what sin I put on them) is how to continue to live with that joy He gives me continuously.

Again I remember that I do have a son, now in heaven, where others would love to have that opportunity. I will see him again; which time is relative. And I was able to have another child which I know God has miraculously given to us. All these blessings mightily outweigh the rest and keep me humble in His presence.

Superman

I've always loved movies. I worked in a movie theatre during college and it's always been a place for me to be able to go and relax and escape for a few hours. Plus, who doesn't love hot popcorn and large amounts of sugary liquid?! 

I've also always loved Superman. I used to collect Superman trinkets and get into arguments with my friends who said Batman was the better superhero (whatevs...). 

I finally saw the new Justice League movie. I don't get to watch movies in the theatre as often now but with the recent break from school, I indulged! I won't review the movie (as I wasn't totally stoked about it) but what stuck with me was one scene in particular: 

(SPOILER ALERT!)

Superman/Clark Kent comes back to life and goes crazy with terror and confusion and ultimately calms down with the help of Lois, his love. They fly back to his childhood home to have some quiet time to reflect and reconnect. In my head, I was thinking "oh, this is great! He's back, they can get married now, and he can save the world" blah blah blah... But then, like usual, my brain then jumps to "oh my word, he came back to life! Lois must be losing her mind! What will his mom think?!" As soon as I thought that a truck drives down the dirt road. His mom jumps out of her truck and runs to her son. He says, "Hi mom." 

CUE CRYING

Of course, that is a dream of every mother that has lost a child. I have quite a few friends that I have met along this journey that have had dreams of seeing their child again. I have not had a dream like that, yet. What I asked myself after that movie scene was, "would I want Jax to come back to life if it was possible?"

Many people would immediately say, definitely! I, though, don't know. I examined how confused and broken Superman was after being brought back to life. He wasn't meant to come back. His mom was happy but I imagine her character thinking, "how long will you be here this time? Were you happier gone from here?" 

Once you have lost a child, or anyone close to you, that question of "how are they now?" is always there. I again am thankful for my faith and strength in God. I would be a hot mess without Him. 

I find strength in knowing that Jax is not hurting. He is not struggling to breathe. His body is whole. As today marks two years since Jax passed away, I repeat the following promises that God has given me: Jax is healed. He is laughing, talking, and running.

And I know that one day we will run to each other and I will finally hear him say "Hi mom." 

Guilt

We were warned by our Pastor that the weeks/months/years following Jax’s death  we would feel relief and then immediately feel guilt for feeling relief. Don’t get me wrong, the relief isn’t that we are happy Jax is gone. It’s because when you live in a hospital or hospice type setting at home, you constantly are slapped with worry and sadness all the time. The moments you feel happy, you hold on to only to have them pushed aside by a traumatic or major medical event that sets your child or loved one spiraling again.

So when we feel relief we feel it because we no longer live that life on the edge or worry. We are relieved our son is no longer hurting, that he has a new body with Christ.

Just as our pastor warned us, we then feel guilty for feeling relief and follow a statement with “but we would do it all over to have it him”. And that’s the truth. We would do it all over. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty…and the cycle continues. I wrestle with myself in my emotions. I know though that:

Jax is healed.

He is in Heaven.

I will see him again.

I hold onto these promises and they help me battle the guilt I place on myself for feeling relief of not having to see my son suffer. I don’t have to sign paperwork for him to have yet another surgery. I don’t have to tell him “no” when he signs he wants to eat but I know he has to wait till after his procedure.

Would I do all of these things over again for him. Of course.

Do I miss them? No.

Do I miss him? Yes!

I have to remember to separate those two things. He was not a situation or a feeling. He was and is my son and I should never feel guilty for loving him or missing him.

When guilt creeps up on you, talk to someone. Talk to God, cry, throw something but don’t worry about feeling. That’s what reminds you, you’re still here.