James 3-4

I wrote a long post this past summer (July 9th: Jax’s birthday) that turned into a complaining monologue about other people and my judgments of them. Usually releasing thoughts feels good but I felt convicted and stupid in my curses. 

It's easy to revert back to those feelings, which when I look at them under a microscope equals jealousy. I am jealous that their children are still living. I am jealous that they have the ability to throw birthday parties, yell at their kids, complain about poopy diapers, and hold their child. 

It's hard to outwardly acknowledge it.

My tongue 'curses the people who are the likeness of God from the same mouth I praise God' (James 3:9).

I can come across as calm and at peace, most of the time, but the dragon of anger and jealousy does rear its head. Often, we think of jealousy towards materialistic matters. But jealousy can live in our hearts for everything. It can lead to other emotions and slowly or quickly eat away at our spirit and joy in the Lord. 

I have a healthy baby girl now and still get jealous. I am jealous of friends who have their family living close. I am jealous of women who can spout out scripture whenever. It’s what I do with that jealousy that is key. I can either hold on to it and let it fester and let the devil really get ahold of me or I can remember that ‘God is jealous for me’. Instead of me being jealous or letting it take hold of me, it’s important I dive into scripture (even if I can’t memorize it to save my life) and surround myself with God’s promises.

"God...gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). 

When I feel these emotions, kicking my self proverbially does some good but also returning to the Lord and letting his Grace encompass me is the best 'medicine'. I yearn to be a "doer" and not a "judge" as James writes. I am not perfect and as these hard days come and go, it can be hard to remain in the joy of what I do have; promises and faith. 

His mercies are new each day, each minute, each second for me and by releasing the jealousy that creeps (cause it still does) to God, I give the power to Him to protect my heart and mind. I am not trying to fix myself or others around me. Sure, I may get frustrated but again going to God and revealing my sin and not the sin of others (or what sin I put on them) is how to continue to live with that joy He gives me continuously.

Again I remember that I do have a son, now in heaven, where others would love to have that opportunity. I will see him again; which time is relative. And I was able to have another child which I know God has miraculously given to us. All these blessings mightily outweigh the rest and keep me humble in His presence.

Third Month

Today marks 3 months since our son left Earth.

I want to stop there but I know there is so much more to say. As I've stated before, it is often very hard to put into words what we are feeling from one minute to the next. Some days its easier to talk about it and others, unexpectantly, you can't at all. 

Three months without your child is nothing I ever thought I'd have to think about or say. The last two months on the 2nd of the month I forgot about the date until later in the day. This month I remembered the day before it was coming. 

Three months of readjusting to life outside of a "glass house".

I am alone most days and have to stick to my own plan rather than what happens medically to Jax. I'm having to refocus my brain and heart to myself and Corey. 

A third of my heart feels empty. 

I don't have less love but physically I feel a third less than I was three months ago. I was once a body filled with two human beings. That feeling never leaves you. It's harder now though to remember that as the other half is no longer in front of my eyes. 

Three months ago there were three of us. Now there are two. 

Our love between Corey and I has not faded or lessened. We are just learning how to love again as just the two of us. We will never not have love for Jax but like any marriage, you have to love your spouse separate from your children. 

Three months of changes. 

Not only have we experienced emotional changes but also physical, financial, situational, and spiritual changes. We are living back in our house where when we left a year and a half ago we had Jax with us. Our bodies are worn and tired. We no longer have to live in two different cities and pay for two people instead of three. BUT the greatest change that is also the positive one is the spiritual victory that Corey and I have gained from the last three months.

It is so often easier to become angry and possessed with bad. (We do get angry) but we have been able to allow God to work in us. We hold on to the truth that Jax is in Heaven; he no longer hurts. His body does not look like it did 3 months ago. He breathes on his own. He doesn't have to lay in a bed 24/7. He can talk and laugh. He can know no worry. 

Today marks 3 months since our son has lived in Heaven. 

I can go on but I know that that truth is the best way to remember him. The easiest way to talk and remember him is to miss him and love him. 

Today is the third month of Jax being whole.