Guilt

We were warned by our Pastor that the weeks/months/years following Jax’s death  we would feel relief and then immediately feel guilt for feeling relief. Don’t get me wrong, the relief isn’t that we are happy Jax is gone. It’s because when you live in a hospital or hospice type setting at home, you constantly are slapped with worry and sadness all the time. The moments you feel happy, you hold on to only to have them pushed aside by a traumatic or major medical event that sets your child or loved one spiraling again.

So when we feel relief we feel it because we no longer live that life on the edge or worry. We are relieved our son is no longer hurting, that he has a new body with Christ.

Just as our pastor warned us, we then feel guilty for feeling relief and follow a statement with “but we would do it all over to have it him”. And that’s the truth. We would do it all over. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty…and the cycle continues. I wrestle with myself in my emotions. I know though that:

Jax is healed.

He is in Heaven.

I will see him again.

I hold onto these promises and they help me battle the guilt I place on myself for feeling relief of not having to see my son suffer. I don’t have to sign paperwork for him to have yet another surgery. I don’t have to tell him “no” when he signs he wants to eat but I know he has to wait till after his procedure.

Would I do all of these things over again for him. Of course.

Do I miss them? No.

Do I miss him? Yes!

I have to remember to separate those two things. He was not a situation or a feeling. He was and is my son and I should never feel guilty for loving him or missing him.

When guilt creeps up on you, talk to someone. Talk to God, cry, throw something but don’t worry about feeling. That’s what reminds you, you’re still here.