Nevers and Gots

Some days I wallow and think of all the things Jax never got to do or things I never got to do with him.

He never met Santa Claus or the Easter bunny. He never played in the snow.

He never truly went Trick or Treating.

He never went to Disney World.

He never got to drive a car.

I never got to potty train him.

I never got to go to any teacher meetings.

I never got to see him walk on his own.

I get so mad when I think of these milestones and more. I cry and scream inside. I never do this in front of people. I've learned to hide it pretty well.

But I do have to gloat and say that I don't let myself have a pity party too long. I was crying and irate when I typed the above but as I switch to this, I remember all the things I did get to do with him and he got to do.

He owned two doggies who loved him.

He rode on an airplane.

He played on pots and pans.

He made messes with markers and paint.

He gave the best kisses.

I got to hear him say “mommy” once

I watched him keep his balance, walking along walls and medical equipment while being given chemo and other drugs.

I got to nurse him for 16 months.

I got to hold him while he slipped away from this world into heaven.

I got to love the sweetest boy ever.

I cry now because I'm reminded of how amazing he was. Even for being only 2 ½, he conquered a lot of obstacles. He showed us what true courage is. He showed us what true love is.

We cry often; sometimes it's a good cry and others I dub “ugly cries”. We get mad at what we lost. But we also get happy for what we had.

A lot of other children only have lists of “nevers”. Jax may have had some but his list of “gots” far outweighs.